Power Pros Forum

I need to present a speech for my classmates as I am running for freshman class president. Please tell me your thoughts on the first version of my speech. Here it is:

Greetings, my fellow classmates. My name is Matthew Ratajczyk, and I am your candidate. Because we are freshmen, many of you may not know who I am, so my job here is to tell you who I am and why I am qualified to be your class president. Hopefully by the end of my speech, I will have answered these questions and you will see that I am your candidate.

Freshman year can be one of the most difficult experiences in a person’s life. My job is to make your first year of high school a positive experience. As president, my focus will be on the success of the whole student-body. I believe that with hard work, our goals can be achieved. Quoting a great basketball player named Kevin Durant, “Hard work beats talent when talent fails to work hard”. As president, I will work hard to make sure every single freshman in this school has a year to remember. Whether it is staying up late to come up with the next great idea, volunteering at numerous events, or making sure every idea that you have is conveyed.

As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Nothing great could be accomplished without enthusiasm,” As your president, I will be enthusiastic, I will be friendly, and I will be caring. You will be able to come to me with any issues that you believe need to be addressed, and I will make sure that those issues are solved. You will be able to look up to me as your representative.
Most importantly, I will be your friend. Each and every one of you can see me as your friend. You can be assured that I will talk to you, I will laugh with you, and most importantly, I will help you. I will make sure that you have a positive experience at Saint Francis High School. I will also be your guide, helping you with anything that is troubling you. You can expect me to be there for you.

Thank you all for listening to my speech, and I hope that we can establish a great, productive relationship over the next four years. Remember, I am your candidate for class president.

I don't know why you'd ask the members of a forum for an old baseball video game, but,

It's a good speech. Keep in mind however, that these school elections are nothing but popularity contests. I lost the freshman class president vote last year mostly because I'm not in the "popular" group.

Anyways, good luck. I would vote for you!

Well, the more feedback, the better. I know it's a popularity contest, but I'm only doing it because it looks good on a college résumé. I'm nearly 100% sure I won't win, because the girl everyone likes is running. Thanks for the response, LGM!

Add some humor.

Two quotes is one too many in my opinion - I would leave off Durant, as that would just serve to push away the non-athletic, non-basketball following types. If the other girl is popular (sports/cheer/etc), you have to appeal to people that don't dig that angle, which means nerds, outcasts, rebels, etc. The right kind of humor could win a lot right out of the gate.

Get more specific - you have a few lines about freshman year being difficult (it is) and that you want to make it easier for everyone. Whats a concrete idea you have to do so?

Have you run anything before, worked anywhere before, have any decent qualifications you can throw in? If not, focus on what you DO have - energy? Tireless, boundless energy? That could be enough.

I would rewrite the part about being everyone's friend. It's high school, freshman year, and "making friends" may fall flat on a lot of ears at this point - kids are 14/15, getting to the rebellious, anti-authoritarian, sick-of-9-Years-of-school phase. They are starting to rub up against their parents on authority issues, and just starting to feel a tiny bit of pressure about the rest of their lives (college, work, career).

The last piece I'd rewrite is about classmates 'looking up' to you. You want to be seen as an equal, until you've done something like this that sets you apart. Unless you are already an academic star or sports star, you don't want to push people your own age to look up to you - and even if you are a star, saying that might just annoy the crap out of people.

The delivery of the speech could be more important than the actual words, too. If you're just reading from the page, people will zone out. If you are looking out at them, speaking from the heart…it will show in your voice. My first speech in front of classmates, for debate (about drunk driving or something), I was droning on for a while in the normal 'reading voice' we all use, with facts, figures, studies, etc. I saw them slipping away, and so I changed gears, went off-script, and brought up a local kid we all new that had suffered a debilitating injury. Suddenly they all snapped to attention - first because my tone became more focused, more conversational, but also because it involved someone they knew, instead of just words.

I'm not an expert, but I ran for office once and won, and plan to manage my wife's political career once she commits to it.

Alright, thanks AOW. I appreciate the time you took to critique it. It means a lot.

First of all I feel the end I just wouldn't want to hear. Maybe more like "And this is why I should be the class president."
Also, I don't like the idea of taking out any quotes, but if you do I don't know who this Ralph Waldo Emerson guy is so take him out.
Also, you need to say what you have experience (NJHS, in NJ) or student council in ypunger grades and tell about what you have done and what makes you to be class president.
ALso, I hate the friends thing where you say "I will be your friend" I hate that line maybe "I will be there when you need me, personal stuff and stuff you don't want shared everywhere."
Also, a you don't need the Saint Francis thing like I don't need the bottom
And why are you at Saint Francis I hate Catholics (BUT I TOLERATE THEM)

Then don't talk.
Well, this might start something.

LGM, abandon your Jihadist quote, KPFC gonna start the real holy war.

Ok, done

Can't really say I've ever heard this before.

I think it looks OK, but AOW has some really great points, as well. I'll see if I could show this to my old speech teacher, and see what she thinks.

Is there a time limit for the speech length?

No, they hardly told us anything. That's why I tried to stay a bit away from the spefics at this point. And thanks Dish and AOW, you're part of the reasons why I *(censored)* love this forum.

So I delivered my speech today, and it went very well. I went with AOW's idea of adding humor, and referenced when I killed a gigantic spider during English class, and I also made a Meek Mill-Drake reference, which got a loud laugh from the class. Numerous people congratulated me after the speech as well. I might actually be able to pull this one out, since the popular girl's speech was pretty flat.

< --- political advisor

*moving to North Carolina to vote for AOW's wife