PLAYER UPDATE
Mark: Okay this is getting borderline illegal. Jorkins find us a club.
Jorkins: A "please" would be nice.
Mark: You're a computer.
Jorkins: Maybe, so, but I'm not a slave.
Mark realized he had been taking Jorkins for granted lately so he got all sad and gave a speech about friendship. We had to censor it though because it featured graphic nudity from John.
Jorkins: Well after that, I'll find the best club ever for you guys. There is an MLB players club in Philadelphia. The password is Bohemian Rhapsody. You have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody.
They went to Philadelphia.
Chris: I wonder why we haven't been invited to this club.
Paul: We've won the World Series two years in a row. I think they're jealous.
Mick: And because we're kinda douchey.
Chris: Well this is a chance for a new start.
They knocked on the door and delivered the best rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody this side of the Muppets.
Derek Jeter: Come on in guys, that was beautiful.
The Stranglers went in and everybody stared.
Ichiro ran up to the microphone.
Ichiro: Okay, I know this is a bit of a downer, but try to have fun despite our little problem. Otherwise it would be letting the Stranglers win!
The guys were a little reassured, but the mood was killed. David Ortiz walked up to them.
David: Alright, you guys found us. Same rules on the baseball field apply here. And by that I mean the unwritten rules. You get hit in the head and have a very serious injury don't complain about it. No showing anyone up because they might be your teammate next year. Oh, and everyone hates you here. Including me. Have fun!
Mark: I really wonder why everyone hates us. I'll try to clear everything up.
Mark stepped up to the mic.
Mark: Hey, guys. I just feel like I should clear the air. Just because we won two championships doesn't mean you have to hate us.
Miguel Cabrera: Typical Strangler. Always so arrogant.
Brian: Yeah these guys suck!
John: Brian!
Brian: I'm trying to look cool. The beardless me gives me a chance for a new start.
John: Well it probably doesn't help that we wear our uniforms everywhere we go.
Mark: Okay Jorkins, we need to find out why everybody hates us.
Jorkins: It seems as though there is a Scranton Stranglers website that badmouths all of the other 29 teams in the MLB.
Mark: Who's writing it?
Jorkins: It says by the Stranglers on the front page, but as I dig deeper it becomes quite clear who is behind this. Albert Pujols and Chris Carpenter.
Paul: Oh, God no! Not you two.
Albert Pujols and Chris Carpenter were the bartenders at this club.
Albert: Well well
Chris: Well. Look who
Albert: It is. The Scranton
Chris: Stranglers.
The team: ...
Albert: What you guys didn't like that?
Chris: We've been planning it for months.
Paul: Well it was really *(censored)* lame.
Albert: Watch your mouth, Paul. Or we might just have Big Papi beat you up.
Pablo: Guys, does anyone even remember how this fight got started?
Chris C. : Yes! It was when you guys were playing in St. Louis and you had a picnic at the arch and we got in a fight and the next you guys beat us.
Chris: Really? That's what happened. Lame.
Albert: Well, we're willing to let bygones be bygones and give you guys drinks on the house.
John: Let me guess, you put something in our drinks.
Albert: No. We just want you to be happy.
Chris: Yeah, right. Let's go guys.
Ryan: Hey it's Justin Verlander. I love that guy.
Mick: You love a pitcher?
Ryan: Hey, if we didn't have pitchers I wouldn't be able to hit home runs.
Justin Verlander was sitting at the end of the bar visibly drunk and visibly texting Kate Upton. This was visible because it was being projected by Lance Berkman.
Justin: U wre so wrng 2 break up wit me Veronica.
Justin: Hey Albert! Another round!
Albert: I'm cutting you off, J!
Justin: I wanna take the screwball challenge.
Chris C. : No way! You don't have a chance.
Justin: That's what all the scouts said to me.
Albert: You know what? I don't care. One screwball coming up.
Ryan: What the hell is a screwball?
Chris C. : It's a pitch, dummy!!!! Hahahahaha! Albert did you hear that? I just burned him!
Ryan: ...
Chris C. : Ugh. I you must know. It is a drink that knocks you out. The challenge is how long it takes to knock you out. The record is 13 by Vladimir Guerrero.
Justin chugged the drink and was out in a flash.
Albert: That's a half second.
Miguel Cabrera: Hey that's a new record, for him at least.
Miguel proceeded to take Justin's place at the bar.
Albert: Hey I thought you were JV's designated driver?
Miguel: Oh, Justin can drive. Believe me, I've driven much much more drunk before.
Ryan: B-but he's passed out.
Cue Wacky comedy horn!
New Scene
Chris (K) and Pablo were walking through the bar on their way to the bathroom.
???: I wouldn't go in there.
Chris: Well do you not have to go to the bathroom? 'Cause that would be a good reason for not going in there.
???: Call me Street RiffRaff. I live on the streets except for when I'm not. Then I live in the shadows with my cowboy boots. Anyway, I was saying I wouldn't go in there if I were you.
Pablo: And why not?
Street RiffRaff: They're shooting steroids. You don't wanna get hooked on that. I've been down that road before and it is not a game you want to play.
Chris turned on the lights and saw who the person really was.
Chris: ...Wait. You're Dustin Pedroia. You couldn't possibly have done steroids.
RiffRaff (Way cooler name than Dustin) : Oh, believe me. When I was in High School, I wanted to be an actor. Not like a pretty boy actor like DiCaprio or Peter O'Toole. No, I wanted to be a REAL actor. Like Sylvester Stallone. So I was on steroids, but I never got that big break, so I just got off steroids and played baseball. Not the best decision I've ever made.
Chris: That's a weird story, Dust-
RiffRaff: Call me Street RiffRaff!
Pablo: Well, uh, we're gonna go now.
New Scene
Mark Prior was very sad because everyone hates his team.
Adam Wainwright: Hey, Mark. Why the long face.
Mark: Oh nothing. I just don't get why everyone hates us.
Adam: Don't worry about my team mates. They're just misunderstood. Kind of like you guys.
Mark: Thanks Adam.
Adam: Bring it in buddy.
Adam and Mark hugged and Adam ran away.
Mark: What a nice g- Hey where's my wallet?! I had My last three paychecks in there!!!
Alex Rodriguez: Hey man I got your wallet back.
Mark: What? Um, thanks.
Alex: No prob, buddy. Hey, I put in my last three paychecks.
Mark: Uh, thanks. Look it's quite obvious you're trying to trick me too.
Alex: No, no. I'm really a nice guy.
Mark: But all the news people say you're mean.
Alex: I give off that impression because if I didn't they would have nothing to talk about and they would be out of jobs.
Mark: And the players?
Alex: They hate everybody who is awesome.
Mark: So you're saying the Stranglers are awesome?
Alex: Deep down, everyone is.
Alex flew away playing the harp while an enchanting chorus chanted hallelujah as A-Rod flew back to his home in heaven.
Jorkins: What a guy. What a guy.
New Scene
George Harrison was looking for any advice he could get from these great hitters.
George: Hey, Cano!
Robinson: Don't call me that dude! I wanna change my name to Canyes soon. Even Canmaybe works better than Cano.
George: Sorry, I was just looking for advice on my swing, how do you do it man?
Robinson: Well, I'm a serial killer, but my noticed it early on so he made my killing into something positive by making me practice my swing on my victims. Kind of like Dexter Morgan ya know? Anyway that's how I do it. Street RiffRaff backed out tonight so if you wanna come with me on my killing spree that's cool. I could teach you.
George was on the ground in the fetal position rosary in hand shouting "I don't wanna die" while smoking several cigarettes.
Last Scene
Marco Scutaro: Everyone make way, make way for the Prince.
Prince Fielder was being carried out on a throne made of gold wearing a crown. One would imagine how anyone could carry Prince Fielder. One's brains would explode while imagining that.
Marco: For you, your highness.
Prince: Eggs? Son of a bitch?! Don't you know I'm vegan you dwarf?!
Marco: Well in that case I have this veggie pizza.
Prince: No, no. It's already been ruined. Anyway. Let's get to the fun. We are hear for the sentencing of one Felix Hernandez for conspiring to overthrow the crown.
Felix: I am King Felix! King is better than Prince!
Prince: But King is not your birth name! Are you next going to tell me that Doc Halladay is a real doctor?
Marco: Bad example, sir.
You see, the wonderful state of Pennsylvania gave Roy Halladay his doctor's license. So he was a real doctor and did in fact play one on TV in an episode of Boardwalk Empire. Fun little fact: Roy Halladay beat out Dust- Street RiffRaff for the role of the doctor on that episode.
Prince: The Prince decides that Felix Hernandez shall be decapitated.
Marco: Oooooh. Good choice there, sir, can't argue with that.
Felix was taken to the guillotine.
Prince: Any last words?
Felix: I wou-
Prince: Don't care. Off with his head.
The guillotine came down. It made a deep cut, but wasn't enough to kill King Felix, much less decapitate him.
Roy Halladay crashed in with his flying motorcycle, crafted by his holiness, the patron saint of baseball Alex Rodriguez.
Roy: *removes shades* Anybody need a doctor?
It was really badass.
Roy administered CPR on Felix, but as you could probably tell, he didn't need CPR, he needed a really big band-aid. The police arrived after an anonymous tip and unceremoniously stripped Roy Halladay of his doctor's license.
Tears were shed.
Oh, and the Stranglers were there too.
THE END
_________________ "Would I rather be feared or loved? Um. Thats easy both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me." - Michael Scott
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